3 Communication Tools All Kinky People Should Know About by Momentum Intimacy

Hello #MomentumLovers! 

It’s often said that good sex and good kink require good communication – but it’s hard to communicate about your wants, needs, and limits! To account for this, the kink community has come up with countless tools and techniques that act as shorthand for the communication that kink requires.

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Here are 3 such tools…

1. Firstly and most importantly, you should agree on a safeword with your partner(s). A safeword is a word or phrase which, when spoken by any participant, calls an immediate end to your play session.

You might be wondering, “Why not just say ‘stop’ if you want to stop?” Many people do exactly that, and if that works for you, great! However, there are a few reasons a safeword may be a better choice. For one thing, it can be easier to say “pineapple” in the heat of the moment than to string together a sentence like “Hey, could you stop? My neck is hurting.”

Some kinksters also enjoy playing with the illusion of non-consent – e.g. roleplaying a rape scene or a disciplinary spanking – in which case they may want to be able to shout “No!” or “Stop!” without actually halting the action. A safeword acts as your “no, seriously, I mean it: stop right now.”

Choose a word that is memorable for you and your partner(s), and practice saying it aloud so you don’t forget it. It should be a word that can be easily spoken and understood, even over smacks, moans, zaps, or whatever other sounds accompany your play. It should also be a word that doesn’t tend to come up naturally in sex or kink scenarios. Many people choose the names of food items (e.g. cinnamon, banana) or celebrities (e.g. Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell) as their safewords because these are unlikely to be said in-scene for any other reason.

If you prefer to play without a safeword because you find it hotter, watch this Spanking University video for some tips on how to do so as safely as possible – but be aware that doing so is best left to advanced kinksters only. Beginners should definitely have a safeword at the ready when delving into kink.

2. A related communication tool is a safe-signal – a non-verbal alternative to a safeword. It serves the same purpose as a safeword but may work better in situations where someone’s ability to speak is limited (e.g. if they are wearing a ballgag or someone is sitting on their face).

Safe-signals can also be helpful for people who tend to have a hard time expressing themselves verbally during sex or kink. Sometimes the intensity of an encounter can make it difficult to get words out, in which case a safe-signal is an excellent option.

Common safe-signals include dropping a held object (like a small ball or a set of keys), firmly shaking the head “no,” or double-tapping a partner’s arm or leg. If you plan on incorporating bondage or otherwise rendering someone’s arms or hands unusable during a scene, be sure to pick a safe-signal that doesn’t require the use of those body parts.

3. One final communication tool every kinkster should know about: the 1-to-10 sensation scale. Ever been asked by a doctor or nurse how you would rate your current pain level out of 10? This is basically the same thing, only kinkier.

While it’s often possible to tell how someone is feeling based on how they act, look, and sound, sometimes our estimations of other people’s experiences aren’t quite right. That’s why it’s best to ask your partner directly if you’re wondering what they’re going through – and this numerical scale gives them a way to communicate that information quickly and without needing to formulate a whole sentence while their brain is clouded with endorphins.

You could ask your partner, for example, what intensity you’re currently spanking them at out of 10, and what intensity they’d prefer you spank them at. This type of scale can also be used for sensations other than pain – you can employ it to communicate about pleasure, arousal, or any other sensation you want to be able to track and talk about.

When playing with a new partner, it’s often a good idea to “calibrate” your understanding of their pain tolerance (or their understanding of yours) by experimenting with different intensities of pain and finding out how they rank for the receiver. This can help you identify a person with a low pain tolerance versus a high one (and keep in mind that people’s pain tolerances can change due to many factors, including hormones, mood, arousal level, and health).

Have you used these communication tools in your play before?