Dirty talk can be seriously hot. Talking about sex can feel really taboo when you’re discussing likes and limits, let alone when you’re aiming to evoke explicit responses from your partner - which is part of why dirty talk can be so much fun, but also means that it can feel awkward. Uncomfortable. Embarrassing.
If you’re nervous about telling your partner exactly what you want to do to them or you’re worried that you’re going to sound silly, you’re not alone! Here are five tips to help you get comfortable with dirty talk:
1. Start with sexting
If you’ve never talked about sex before, it can be a big jump to leap straight into sharing your filthiest fantasies with your partner. To ease yourself in to communicating openly about sex, why not try sexting? It can give you a chance to get used to talking about sex - and trying to turn your partner on with your words - without the embarrassment of actually having to say the words aloud. It can feel a lot less intimidating to type something than to say it out loud to another person.
Sexting and dirty talk is a great way for you and your partner to try out sex acts or kinks for the first time, or play with ideas and fantasies that excite you. You can let your imagination run wild, sharing stories about hypothetical threesomes and orgies, even if you’re not ready to delve into the reality of group sex.
2. Read erotica aloud
To get comfortable with actually saying dirty things out loud, try reading erotica to each other! If you’re worried about sounding silly when you’re talking dirty, this is a good way to get comfortable with hearing your own voice say filthy things aloud. Reading someone else’s words can help diffuse some of the embarrassment about saying them. Because they’re not your words, you don’t have to worry about your partner’s reaction to them - if they start giggling, it’s not because they’re laughing at you, it’s because they find the phrasing of the author funny!
If reading erotica to each other gets you in the mood, there’s no need to stop just because you want to start having sex. Why not see how long you can read for while being fingered or getting a hand job from your partner? (Remember to grab some lube - Momentum Water-Based Lubricant feels silky-smooth and is perfect for hand sex.)
3. Write yourself a script
If you’re nervous about what you’re going to say, there’s no shame in writing a script! This can range from rehearsing a few key phrases that you know your partner likes to writing a full-on erotic story exploring one of your shared fantasies. Like with reading erotica to each other, it can be fun to both write an erotic story and then take turns reading each other’s out loud. Sex you want to have together is great fodder for dirty talk, but so is sex that you’ve had in the past! It can be very hot to reminisce about past sexual experiences - or even just describe what you’re doing to each other in the moment.
4. Discuss what words you find sexy
Are you worried that you’re going to say the wrong thing, or say something that is a massive turn off for your partner? It can be helpful to discuss what words you’re both into, so you know what words work for each other. A useful tool is a Yes/No/Maybe list, which is a common tool in kink circles for negotiating. You can work together to come up with a list of sexy words, then separately work through the list, sorting them into three columns - Yes, No, and Maybe. Words you want to hear, things you don’t want to hear, and words that you might be into hearing under certain circumstances.
Then you and your partner go through your lists together and find where your ‘yes’s overlap - the goal is to focus on the words both of you find sexy, rather than focus on the ‘no’s. Yes/No/Maybe lists are an excellent tool for communicating with your partner, and you can also use them for negotiating sex acts or kinks you want to try together.
5. Don’t expect to be perfect
Like any other sex act, neither you or your partner should go into it expecting that you’ll get it exactly right the first time. You’re unlikely to able to go from never having talked about sex before to being able to coax your partner to orgasm with just your words. It’s totally normal if your first forays into dirty talk feel awkward or unsexy. It might feel silly or uncomfortable, but that’s ok! Good sex often happens when you’re comfortable enough to laugh with your partner, to take mistakes and silliness in your stride and have fun together.