How to use "randomness" as a kink tool

Did you ever play Spin the Bottle when you were younger? This kissing game has long been a staple at parties thrown by teenagers and open-minded adults alike. The point of the game is to facilitate kisses between people who otherwise might not be brave enough to initiate those kisses. There's one major element of this game that makes it fun to play, time and time again, and that element is randomness.

See, when it comes to sex and romance, many of us are just not bold enough to state what we actually want and go after it. There are many reasons for this, ranging from sociocultural conditioning (e.g. "Women don't chase men") to legitimate fears about crossing people's boundaries (e.g. "She'll be upset and offended if I ask her for a kiss") to plain old shyness and social anxiety.

What randomness offers us, in games like Spin the Bottle, is the ability to abdicate responsibility for doing what we really want to do anyway. It allows us to say, whether explicitly or implicitly, "Let's kiss, but not because we want to kiss – let's kiss because the bottle says we 'have to'!"

Obviously there are situations in which avoiding accountability for your actions in this way can be toxic and harmful – but assuming we're talking about consensual encounters between fully informed and self-possessed adults with good communication skills, an element of randomness can ease many of the anxieties that prevent us from going after our deepest desires. Here are some ways to incorporate randomness into your kink life...

Dice games

You may have seen "sex dice" on display at sex toy stores in the past. Usually these have an assortment of body parts and verbs written on them, so that rolling your pair of dice may reveal an instruction to kiss a partner's neck, massage their butt, suck on their earlobe, and so on.

This game can be a wonderfully silly way to spend an evening, particularly for couples who either haven't fully explored one another's bodies yet or who've been together for long enough that exploration isn't a major theme of their sex life anymore. For extra creative control, you could even buy a set of blank dice and write your own words on them!

Another type of kinky dice game is well-suited for kinks involving implements, such as spanking. Roll one die to determine what implement you'll be using (e.g. 1 for a hand, 2 for a paddle, 3 for a hardcover book, and so on), roll again to determine the intensity of the hits (e.g. 1 is a light tap, 6 is a super-painful wallop), and roll a third time to find out how many hits you'll be receiving. You can do this with a partner or even by yourself – lending an element of randomness to a solo spanking can make it feel more like a partner is doing it to you. If you're not into spanking, feel free to swap out the kink in question for one that you prefer, adapting the game to fit that kink.

Sex boxes

Buying a sex box for a partner – or requesting that they buy one for you – is a thrilling way to infuse some mystery and excitement into your sex life. Typically these boxes contain some items you've probably used before, such as lubricant, as well as some items that are a bit more exotic, like blindfolds and bondage cuffs.

When your box arrives, you and your partner can sit down together and devise a kink scene that'll utilize every single thing in the box. What a fun challenge!

Porno roulette

Some porn sites, including PornHub, have a "random" button. Click it and you'll be presented with a porn clip you likely wouldn't have stumbled across any other way.

This is fun to do by yourself if your masturbation routine has been feeling a little ho-hum lately. It can also be a communication-boosting game for couples: as you watch one random clip after another, discuss each one. Are you into what's being depicted? Is it something you'd want to try? Sexual communication is vital for kink, and this game can open the door for better verbal intercourse, so to speak.

Just remember that if any porn clip upsets you or grosses you out, it's totally fine to skip to the next one!

 Have you ever played any of these games? How did they go for you?