What I Wish I Knew About Being Bisexual Before I Came Out

When I came out as bisexual at 24 years old, I had never met another out, openly bisexual man who claimed the label. That’s why it took me years of hooking up with guys to finally identify as bi. I didn’t think bisexuality was real! I thought it was highly unlikely that I could be the only bi guy in the world. 

Years later, I can safely there are bisexual people of all genders all over! But at the time, I didn’t know that. If only I had a bi friend in college sit me down and tell me what it’s like to be bisexual in a world obsessed with binaries. 

Well, as they say, be the change you want to be in the world, so I’m going to share with you five things I wish I knew before I came out as bi. 

You might not have that “lightbulb” moment. 

I thought the moment my lips touched another man’s, I’d know definitively if I was gay, straight, or bisexual. That is NOT what happened. I felt sorta indifferent towards the whole hookup, and when I didn’t get that clarity I so desperately craved, I actually ended up becoming more anxious and confused. The thing is, I had so much internalized homophobia and biphobia; I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy my sexual experience with another man. So, if you’re not sure what your sexual identity is after hooking up with someone of the same gender, don’t fret. It might just take you hooking up with a few folks to gain a better understanding of your sexuality. 

Your attractions to men, women, and nonbinary people may change over time. 

At times I find myself significantly more attracted to men than women. At times, I only want to have sex with women. Then there are times I only want to date nonbinary folks. This is totally normal. Sexuality is fluid, and your attractions evolving doesn’t make you any less bisexual or pansexual. 

Date other bi/pan people. 

Okay, so yes, you can date straight and gay people (my current boyfriend is gay), but all too often, monosexuals (people solely attracted to one gender) believe negative stereotypes about bi folks. Or they’re worried you’re going to leave them for a person of another gender. Or they somehow invalidate your bisexuality. A lot of these problems disappear when you date other bi folks. This is also why I recommend you list that you’re bisexual in your bio on dating apps. Yes, as a bi man, you will get significantly fewer matches, and as a bi woman, you will get fetishized, but it also helps you meet and connect with other bi folks!

You don’t have to “prove” your bisexuality to anyone.

I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve had people ask me to “prove” my bisexuality. Naysayers do this in various ways: They’ll ask for the last time I had sex with a woman, they’ll want to know if the porn I watch features men or women, or they’ll say things like, “But who do you like more?” You don’t have to answer these personal questions right when you meet someone. You don’t have to justify your bisexuality by sharing the last time you had sex with a man or woman. You don’t owe that person anything. So when they start interrogating you, go ahead and say, “Hey, I don’t want to talk about my sex life with a complete and total stranger.” 

You’re not responsible for representing all bisexuals.

Right after coming as bi, I felt I had to be this “model bisexual” to disprove stereotypes about bisexuality. But the thing is, I am a slutty, threesome-loving bisexual stereotype who needs to be ethically non-monogamous because I will never be satisfied just sleeping with one gender for the rest of my life. And you know what? That’s fine! Needless to say, this doesn’t mean that all bisexuals are slutty, and bi people can be monogamous (duh), but if that’s not you, don’t feel guilty for your sexual attractions. You’re not responsible for representing all bisexuals; your job is to live your life as authentically as possible—however that may look. 

Use silicone lube during anal sex.

So the first few times I bottomed for a guy (i.e., was the anal receptive partner), we either used spit or water-based lube. For the love of God, no! The anus, unlike vaginas, does not naturally lubricate on its own. So you NEED a long-lasting lube, like the Momentum Silicone-Based Lubricant For Him. Otherwise, you end up needing to reapply lube constantly, taking you out of the moment, or you end up with painful anal fissures (skin tears in the area around your anus).